Therapist: Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Do I have to go to the bathroom? I remember reminding myself to go to the bathroom before I left because I had an extra cup of coffee. I thought the appointment was at eleven but it was at twelve so I had an extra hour before I had to leave. I thought, why not have another cup of coffee? And I know my blood pressure is high again but they’re pretty sure it has nothing to do with coffee so would it hurt if I had on more cup?
Therapist: I was asking where you were from.
I don’t know how to answer that question. And I think I have to pee. I must have not gone to the bathroom. They say when you’re aroused you can’t pee very well because the little tunnels shift and block but the same thing must happen when you’re completely distracted. I am so distracted I don’t know if I have to pee.
Me: I’m from California, technically, but I guess I’m from Oregon, more accurately.
A few minutes later I’m crying. Can you have to pee at the same time you cry? How does your body manage this extreme level of liquid distribution?
Therapist: How do you feel, now? Think about your body.
She’s looking for a good answer. I don’t know. Do I feel… spiritual? I guess I feel spiritual. Her tea looks really good. Why didn’t I bring tea? I don’t think I’ve answered the question yet. What was the question again? I think she asked how I was. I’m crying pretty profusely.
She’s still looking at me and I’m still crying. She’s breathing in and out deeply so I take it that I should be doing the same thing and start breathing in and out deeply too.
Therapist: Sad, uh huh, and what else, what is your body telling you? Do you feel anything?
It’s all bottled up, see, it’s like a shaken bottle! I’m a bottle of mexican coke, I just rolled here. I rolled all the way here. And now I’m all fizzy! I’m fizzing it up! And you’re like, okay, it’s time to open the cap, it’s time to see all that fizz, describe to me how it feels. But I don’t know, man. All I can say is that I feel fizzy because that’s what I’ve been for so long that fizzy is neutral. I can’t distinguish it between gently shaken, rolled, tossed, highly carbonated, I don’t know how I got this way. And I’m trying to get the cap off, see, but it’s on there too tight, I don’t have a bottle opener, do you have a bottle opener?
Therapist: Well we’ve got six minutes left. Next week we’ll discuss mindfulness.
Me: I’m looking forward to mindfulness. I think I’ll like that.
Therapist: What are you going to do when you get home?
I’m going to respond to all of my emails, I’m going to tidy, I’m going to plan out the next three weeks of my life, I’m going to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I’m going to read a book while I think about tomorrow.
Me: I think I’ll make some tea.