Cyborg Feminism

Therapist: Do you have to go to the bathroom?

Me: No.

Do I have to go to the bathroom? I remember reminding myself to go to the bathroom before I left because I had an extra cup of coffee. I thought the appointment was at eleven but it was at twelve so I had an extra hour before I had to leave. I thought, why not have another cup of coffee? And I know my blood pressure is high again but they’re pretty sure it has nothing to do with coffee so would it hurt if I had on more cup?

Me: What?

Therapist: I was asking where you were from.

I don’t know how to answer that question. And I think I have to pee. I must have not gone to the bathroom. They say when you’re aroused you can’t pee very well because the little tunnels shift and block but the same thing must happen when you’re completely distracted. I am so distracted I don’t know if I have to pee.

Me: I’m from California, technically, but I guess I’m from Oregon, more accurately.

A few minutes later I’m crying. Can you have to pee at the same time you cry? How does your body manage this extreme level of liquid distribution?

Therapist: How do you feel, now? Think about your body.

She’s looking for a good answer. I don’t know. Do I feel… spiritual? I guess I feel spiritual. Her tea looks really good. Why didn’t I bring tea? I don’t think I’ve answered the question yet. What was the question again? I think she asked how I was. I’m crying pretty profusely.

Me: Sad?

She’s still looking at me and I’m still crying. She’s breathing in and out deeply so I take it that I should be doing the same thing and start breathing in and out deeply too.

Therapist: Sad, uh huh, and what else, what is your body telling you? Do you feel anything?

It’s all bottled up, see, it’s like a shaken bottle! I’m a bottle of mexican coke, I just rolled here. I rolled all the way here. And now I’m all fizzy! I’m fizzing it up! And you’re like, okay, it’s time to open the cap, it’s time to see all that fizz, describe to me how it feels. But I don’t know, man. All I can say is that I feel fizzy because that’s what I’ve been for so long that fizzy is neutral. I can’t distinguish it between gently shaken, rolled, tossed, highly carbonated, I don’t know how I got this way. And I’m trying to get the cap off, see, but it’s on there too tight, I don’t have a bottle opener, do you have a bottle opener?

 

Therapist: Well we’ve got six minutes left. Next week we’ll discuss mindfulness.

Me: I’m looking forward to mindfulness. I think I’ll like that.

Therapist: What are you going to do when you get home?

I’m going to respond to all of my emails, I’m going to tidy, I’m going to plan out the next three weeks of my life, I’m going to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. I’m going to read a book while I think about tomorrow.

Me: I think I’ll make some tea.

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Cyborg Feminism

Sufjan Goes Mad and Steals All My Words

My Senior Year English teacher looked like Ashton Kutcher. He walked into the classroom late one day. He turned on Sufjan Stevens’ song John Wayne Gacy Jr. and told us to listen to the words. I was young enough that I didn’t know how young I was, still teasing with a shove, flicking my pencil between my fingers, focusing on whatever trivialities were most important to me. But this is death, murder, pedophilia. This is what is hidden in the walls. Maybe my friends had heard these things before, but I hadn’t.

The song stopped and he asked us to write about our feelings.

I think about this moment a lot. Here is something horrible for you. This is a natural disaster. This is the way of human. This is our behavior at its worst. Tell me how that makes you feel.

As with most good music, most good writing, most good performance, I couldn’t think of any words big enough to summarize the feeling in my gut. This twisty feeling. Don’t you wish you hadn’t heard that, don’t you wish you’d heard it sooner. How did that bad feeling get inside me? And you think, maybe, if I could describe it, I might be able to get it out.

Sufjan Goes Mad and Steals All My Words

Writing Prompt

  1. Grab the closest book. Go to page 29. Write down 10 words that catch your eye. Use 7 of words in a poem. For extra credit, have 4 of them appear at the end of a line.
  1. Tone
  2. Refusal
  3. Quarter
  4. Bemused
  5. Germ
  6. Lick
  7. Calmly
  8. Mental
  9. Obeyed
  10. Cream

She put a quarter in the slot

and heard the tone.

And tried to call her mother

calmly.

Bemused when the nature of things

obeyed, in the predictable way.

 

Should there have been a cord

she’d have wrapped it

around her fingers

it would have done

what she wanted it to do.

cream colored plasticine

 

she’d have licked the spirals

she would have cried.
Writing Prompt

An Oregon First Day of Fall: 30 Things

  1. Create a fall wreath (pinecones, branches, berries) and have people pin things they’re thankful to onto it
  2. Go hunting for decorative and pumpkin-carving pumpkins
  3. Have a pumpkin spice latte out, and a pumpkin spice latte at home
  4. Make mulled wine with homemade recipe of spices
  5. Re-organize spice cupboard and make an amazing pumpkin pie
  6. Watch a Football game with themed snacks
  7. Create a delicious cheese dip in a double boiler
  8. Watch Mean Girls sometime in October
  9. Watch Hocus Pocus
  10. Watch Alien movies
  11. Read a book in front of the fireplace
  12. Go hiking
  13. Go through a corn maze
  14. Buy a luxurious scarf
  15. Fall photoshoot, extra leaf stomping.
  16. Find an extra good snuggle blanket for the couch
  17. Go fall wine tasting
  18. Roast pumpkin seeds
  19. Host a scary movie night
  20. Dress up for halloween
  21. Wear flannel
  22. Make pumpkin bread
  23. Listen to a record all the way through
  24. Make thanksgiving cards
  25. Rent a place at the coast
  26. Make butternut squash soup
  27. Roast vegetables
  28. Make a beef stew
  29. Take a warm bubble bath with candles and music
  30. Get back into knitting
An Oregon First Day of Fall: 30 Things

Home Entertaining List in Progress:

Things you should always keep in hand:

  • A bottle of chilled champagne for the unexpected celebrations
  • Six to twelve easy drinking beers to crack with a friend
  • A quick snack – popcorn, chips, crackers
  • Extra toilet paper above the toilet and tampons in eyesight
  • An easily accessible password for your wi-fi
  • A go-to playlist for good background music to set the mood
  • Throw blankets and pillows for comfortable lounging
  • La Croix Sparking Water
Home Entertaining List in Progress:

How to Write a To-Do List

  1. shower
  2. make breakfast
  3. go for a run
  4. answer emails
  5. call regarding health insurance
  6. clean desk
  7. do the dishes
  8. take out the trash
  9. avoid my psychotic neighbor
  10. water the plants
  11. make sure the plants know I love them
  12. go on a long walk
  13. get in four hours of work
  14. try to find shapes in the stucco ceiling
  15. contemplate how coca cola is made
  16. feel a little shitty
  17. realize everything is going to be okay
  18. tell all your friends you love them
  19. put 50 things in your shopping cart on amazon and then abandon it
  20. hide important documents somewhere you won’t find them
  21. charge your phone
  22. realize your phone isn’t charging
  23. charge your phone better
  24. make the bed
  25. lay on your stomach with your feet up criss-cross while you read a book
  26. make dinner
  27. forget to make dinner and order pizza
  28. write a lengthy journal update about how horrible pizza makes you feel
  29. make some tea and turn on netflix
  30. doodle passive-aggressive comics directed at people you dislike
  31. watch hannibal with your hands over your eyes
  32. respond to your inevitably full inbox
  33. get a sudden inspiration to do everything on your to do list
  34. realize its eleven o’clock
  35. fall asleep face first in the carpet fibers
How to Write a To-Do List